Conversations happen on a daily basis – at home, in social settings and in the workplace. At work, you may be trying to make a point, share an idea, connect with a colleague, support your boss or educate an employee.
But, some manipulative individuals regularly mouth challenging words and offensive comments that create a tense atmosphere. At times, they even resort to blaming others needlessly or calling them names.
As expected, things go downhill from there. The bullying either intimidates others into agreement or simply shuts down the dialogue mid-way.
Think about it. Doesn’t it often happen that you are trying to communicate something, but you either don’t get heard at all or are constantly marginalised by one or two aggressive people?
It’s a fact that we tend to get defensive in the face of hostile attacks. Just one needling comment like, ‘You never told me that’ or ‘You didn’t give me the information I needed’ and we give in, become silent or simply leave.
But, such dysfunctional manipulations obviously interfere with real conversations and can get stifling after a while. After all, how long can you tolerate feeling stuck or belittled? The underlying resentment will emerge sooner or later, and can even destroy relationships.
The key to keeping the dialogue moving is to first recognise the sly intentions and tactics. Understand that the aggression is only a calculated ploy to deflect/impede the conversation or to avoid giving a commitment.
You should not play into the manipulator’s hands by reacting as expected. Do not keep quiet or let the conversation shut down without reaching a conclusion. This is possible only when you don’t take the verbal attacks personally and can control your emotions.
Instead of silently backing away, you should undertake a broad and skilful inquiry into the situation. Ask open, meaningful and purposeful questions like:
‘What is your intention?’
‘What do you mean exactly?’
‘If I understand you correctly, you are saying that…’
‘What is the significance of this?’
‘What leads you to conclude that?’
‘What’s important to you about this?’
‘Have you considered…?’
‘What would you rather talk about?’
Or even a direct, ‘Are you trying to shut down the conversation?’
For example, if you make a statement in a discussion and another person responds, “Oh, you are not one of those people, are you?” Take care that you do not fall for the gambit by getting defensive or taking it lying down.
You should avoid the knee-jerk emotional reactions and deal with the situation in a mature manner. You have to play the person at his own game by probing into his viewpoint, priorities and values. As writer, Jamie Walters suggests, “Just how you choose to inquire depends on the particular conversation, and just how deeply you want to move in to dialogue. The more important the stakes, the more beneficial it might be to see the dialogue through to a greater understanding.”
Counter the interruption skilfully so that the manipulator is forced to respond. You should not be critical, condescending or interrogative; just show that you are exploring his underlying motive and what he is actually trying to accomplish.
Caught off-guard, he will have no choice but to admit his bias or real intentions. You should calmly stand back and listen to his needs, fears and logic. Carefully studying his body language will also enable you to understand the unspoken intentions.
Ensure that you have a positive attitude that is open to different perspectives or viewpoints. Only then can you to work towards a workable solution and also, slowly guide the conversation back towards its original purpose.
Thus, an attitude of affirmative inquiry will help you to both lay accountability and maximise effectiveness in meetings, discussions and even general conversations.
This is vital for healthy, productive and successful communication. It eases the tense barriers and facilitates better working relationships.
To sum up, in the words of a top philosopher, “Dialogue is the encounter between men, mediated by the world, in order to name the world!”
Payal Chanania
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