Confrontation – its not something you enjoy, maybe even try to avoid at all costs! Yet, the odd confrontation is inevitable as you may have to speak to a colleague about lack of teamwork, pull up a subordinate for unacceptable performance or even challenge a person of authority.
A few hard truths need to be told making for one tough conversation. In fact, its more like a ticking bomb as one small trigger and the whole situation can escalate into a huge argument that literally explodes in your face.
Well, confronting is a difficult job indeed what with people ever ready to jump to the defensive and things getting out of hand so easily. This makes many a people dread confronting and thus they cannot even share their personal views, ideas or insight for fear of rocking the boat.
But there are ways in which you can confront someone without getting into a heated argument or leaving everyone fuming with anger. Here's how:
Plan it: Never enter a confrontation unarmed. Think over how you will approach the situation and what you will say. Being mentally prepared will enable you to better conduct the confrontation.
Also, pick a safe environment like a neutral turf where both parties can speak in privacy. You may be feeling annoyed, angry, frustrated or even hurt with the situation. But these emotions can obscure your view making you both judgmental and combative.
And things will only go downhill from there what with raised voices and abuse. Therefore, it is advisable to take time and overcome your emotions so that you can remain calm and in control.
Seek first to understand what went wrong as you may be unwittingly operating on false assumptions. Stop and clarify what is actually going on. Skip any belittling sarcasm, insults or ugly comments as it is bound to rub the receiver the wrong way and further antagonise the situation.
Instead, speak with respect and consideration without pointing any fingers at who is right and who wrong. Your tone of voice can be a dead giveaway.
Be aware of the undercurrents as the other person may feel attacked which triggers him into a defensive and combative stance.
Adopt a neutral tone that is free of any aggression or rudeness. Be tactful; yet firm so that the receiver takes you seriously.
No exaggerations: Do not indulge in absolutes or overstatements like ‘You always do this', ‘You never do it right' or ‘This happens every time'. Speak in clear specifics and also concentrate only on the wrong behaviour and not the person. Most of us do not like to be told what to do as it reeks of manipulative behaviour. Instead, ask encouraging questions like – ‘Would you be willing to do this differently?' ‘Are you aware that you do that?' ‘Have you ever considered trying A instead of B?' This will not only let the other person feel in control but can also uncover some enlightening responses.
Good points: Always start by affirming what you appreciate about the person. After highlighting the good points slowly move on to identifying the issues that concern you. For example, ‘I know you usually perform your very best, and what I saw today was not the way you normally perform
Take the time to elaborate how the situation affects you. Speaking in I-statements like ‘I felt angry', ‘I was confused' or ‘It hurt me' will clearly demonstrate why you wish to correct the other person as well as make him more amenable to the ‘suggestions'.
Once you have shared your concerns, be open to listening how the other person feels. His perspective can shed new light on the situation.
Predetermining the outcome will only set you up for disappointment. So, think only in terms of speaking your mind and do not expect to change the other person's behaviour.
By not expecting to accomplish anything, you will be better able to accept whatever happens.
Last but not the least; do not confront people on any and every issue. Minor slip ups are quite justified. Reserve the confrontation for serious issues only!
Payal Chanania
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